the real thing


Another stage of moving on, although sometimes i thought it would be better if i won't hold on my pride anymore. But there's something in my head keeps me thinking, if i give up my pride will he give up his pride just like the way i did? Pride is one of the reasons m\why two people don't make it.  I love him still and no matter how i try to get him back the more the pain I get, maybe it's better for me to move forward and then meet new people and enjoy the blessings that life offers me.

They say "sometimes it takes even great courage to stay away and leave things behind." Now i'm confused, is it really better for me to stay away and keep myself hurting. I know where I truly belongs and i know where i'll be happy.. It's with him only, but i guess it's too late for us to start another chapter of our love story. Someone, Somewhere owns him now. He has everything and I have no one. Well I don't want to have other people to support me and use them as a remedy. I'm not like that. I wanted to move on with my life yet i'm still holding onto the past.. 

I know that god has a better plans for us. But no matter how I tried to forget everything and pretend to be fine he's still the biggest part of  me that no one could ever replace. no one but him. I've got a lot say to him yet he's not there to listen every word that i will utter. 

How i wish that i could tell n\him how i am lost without him and feeling empty. How i wish could tell him that it's still me. nothing has changed. I'm still that girl whom he used to love with all of his heart. I'm still the girl who's always there for him whenever he needs me, that I am still the girl who always stays when everything walks away from him. Someone who still hold on and never surrenders. how i wish he could love me again and never leave my side forever more. No matter what i says here won't help, in fact he'll never know everything. Coz he's away and having fun with his peers. And loving the girl she's loving right now.

the call


Someone calls me a while ago,.. It's his mom.. she send me a message, meanwhile she called. Actually i'm quiet nervous and have a conclusion well it's all about him of course.. She asked me about what happened last week when we had a misunderstanding and show disrespect to his step-father.. it hurts me honestly,.. then she said,.. "how serious is your relationship between my son?".. while she's talking about us my mind is running somewhere I don't actually know what to say and i was wondering if all my answers satisfies her.. Then finally she said "there's a lot of guy out there, someone who's better than my son. someone who will give you better life soon,.. Are you and my son planning to be settled soon?".. i told her  no we're not. and then she added,.. marriage isn't that good, marriage ruins everything, It creates family however it creates striving.. i felt sad,.. and apparently i am trying to understand everything she said. But my head wasn't working very well today (hahaha) I was stupid when it comes to love matter.. as everyone knows.. after that call, i remebered the things my mom said to him a year ago,.. I don't want to think that she doesn't like me for her son,.. then one last thing flashed back.. When her mother called me and put all the blame on me.. I decided not to tell him about this coz thats another story i know.. I don't want them to argue because of me now what i'm thinking is,.. do i have to stay or just go,. I don't want to gone in the wind without a word but i think it's much better to do it that way,.. honestly i don't know what to do.. If i stay, i know his mother will think bad against me,.. if i go,.. christian will think that i leave him for other reason. im confused. i just don't know what to do.. please help me.. I wanted to ask for an advice to my best friend but i don't think he will understands me. I wanted to tell everything i feel today but something stops me... i



March 28 2010 when he told me that he loves her.. I was shocked and bit confused. I've never expect that this soon... Maybe i'm not worthy enough.. It's very hard for me to think that he'll just replace me in his life in just a snapped. I don;t want to blame myself or having gripe and atonement for him. This will be so hard for me. I always told myself that I am ready to see him with somebody else but apparently i'm not. I know that the only thing i can do for myself is accept the fact and learn live to my life alone,.. We can't force someone to stay. And no one stays forever.. only God know why he let this happen. It's just a matter of why now? Now that i'm still loving him,.. I don't want to blame myself. Nobody knows that we're still seeing each other. I let him go because he wanted to,.. he gave me up so easily without thinking about what i might gonna feel.. until it came up to the point that I also decided to give up,... It's true, that if you still love someone don't give him/ her up.. don't try to count all your efforts cos,.. the measure of love is the same as measure of sacrifices. I do love him so much that until now i'm still hoping he'll come back to me. It never comes to my mind that he will forget me this way.. Sana kahit nasaan man sya masaya sya. I hope he's happy with his desisyon. I was hurt when he told me that he loves her cause she's already there to pick him up when he's down,.. cause she always listens and understands everything... I hope he realize that I just wanted to be heard.. Ako nalang kasi lagi ang mali sa-aming dalawa.. Ayokong isiping kinalimutan na nya ako at kahit anu pang gawin ko hindi na magbabago pa ang desisyon nya. Now I have to live alone.. I cannot replace him here in heart.. hindi ko kaya..